Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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