Betty ford says i'm here all night
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
