Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
