Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
