omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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