I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
