I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
