How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
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I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
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My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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