I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
