i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
