I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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