Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
