and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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