she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
