I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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