I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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