it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
