So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
