Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
