wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
