Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
