I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
