I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
