On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
