Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
