college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
