Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
