My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
