There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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