we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Less talking, more tequila
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
