On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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