Hey man sorry I got all grabby
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
