So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
