Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Boobs speak an international language.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
