Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
