tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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