i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
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He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
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I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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