Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
