we have pet lesbian snakes
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
