ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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