Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
