I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
