I like to think it a success when the cops are called
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
