hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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