Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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