My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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