You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
