I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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