So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
