Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
