it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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