Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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