whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
