shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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