I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
